


Falling Inside the Black

by Im_The_Doctor (Bofur1)



Series: The Thinker, The Feeler [9]
Category: Transformers: Rescue Bots
Genre: Best Friends, Chase reminds him that he isn't, Companions, Early in Canon, Emotional Baggage, Existential Angst, Fear, Grief/Mourning, Heatwave feels really alone, Homesickness, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, Loyalty, Panic Attacks, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:21:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27792190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bofur1/pseuds/Im_The_Doctor
Summary: Heatwave's grief over the loss of Cybertron comes to a head.
Relationships: Chase & Heatwave (Transformers)
Series: The Thinker, The Feeler [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/479644
Comments: 6
Kudos: 54





	Falling Inside the Black

**Author's Note:**

> Tonight I'm so alone  
> This sorrow takes a hold  
> Don't leave me, it's so cold  
> Never wanna be so cold

At the worst of times, Heatwave was struck with the realization of how _young_ a mech he was in the terms of his people—how young they all were. His team was too fresh and inexperienced to fully comprehend this, too young to carry such an unfathomable loss, and the humans were barely comparable. Standing on their own feet on their own lush, flourishing planet, the flesh beings could never begin to understand.

Cybertron was gone. Their home, their everything. Everyone they had ever known was dead or scattered to the stars.

Sprawled in darkness on the floor of the firehouse, not far from the _Sigma_ , Heatwave felt as if he might shake right out of his frame. Nervecircuits buzzed numbly, yellow alerts flashing behind his optics as his spark roiled. Vents clogged with foreign Earth particles, he wheezed out a ragged sob, the only sound battling the walls of the new world closing in. It was going to crush him; he was nothing but a speck of rust.

 _Fly away_ , some terrified madness screamed in him, roaring blindly through his mind on a loop. _Take the Sigma, get out! Please, frag, please! This can’t be a new home! I can’t do this; I can’t, never, never, never, never_ — _I don’t want it!_

The streets he’d known since he was a newspark were wiped from the map of the universe. Every innocent creature, the faces he’d glanced at or passed without a second thought, the bots he’d never bothered to know by name, he may never see again. How many husks were torn and twisted up in Cybertron’s debris, never to be dredged up? Billions, trillions?

_Primus, frag, why? Why were we spared?_

He had done _nothing_. His mission was to save lives and he had saved none of them; he and his team drifted peacefully away while monsters slaughtered their people. The only notion that stopped him from purging was the new, burning knowledge that energon was scarce. _Waste, what a waste of it all!_

 _Purge it all. Go empty, go dry, let your systems fail! Go back into stasis and stay forever. Just fall into the black like all the rest_. _Disintegrate_.

He was too young to shoulder the weight of those manic, desperate ideas. How could he be glad for his survival, knowing the cost? There were others who had _deserved_ to live, who had fought for what was right when it counted! They were heroes and he could never thank them. A helpless, displaced Rescue Bot, last of a dying breed, could never do their memory justice, much less honor it.

Static mounting in his audials, he rocked forward to hide behind shameful, quaking hands. Steam churned from him and yet he couldn’t find air, vents catching and slipping uselessly. His spark throbbed with such force that it might flux at any moment. _Please, please, Primus, please_ …Even he wasn’t sure what he was begging for.

“…wave? Heatwave? Can you hear me?”

When the voice finally slipped through the white noise, Heatwave flinched and recoiled, strained, wild optics struggling to focus the blurred edges of Chase’s face. His frame ached, hot and cold, at the sudden movement. “C-Ch—hh—” He choked, vocalizer keening, helm shaking of its own accord. He couldn’t. He was a failure, an embarrassment, being so vulnerable. His team needed him to be fearless.

There was no disdain in Chase’s EM field for Heatwave’s weakness, nor was there pity. Its flat, stoic ripples were strangely soothing, a constant to latch onto as he knelt before his friend. “Heatwave, I am unsure how to help you. This isn’t my area of expertise,” he admitted, green optics dimming a shade. “If you would like me to fetch Boulder or Blades—”

His helm shook again, jerkily. The last thing he needed was more witnesses.

“Very well.” After a beat of hesitation, Chase opened his hands. “Are you comfortable with being—?”

Heatwave couldn’t help it; he nearly bowled Chase over when he lunged, unable to turn down an offering of an anchor. To his credit Chase didn’t protest his use of force, aside from an initial grunt of surprise as he caught him. He shouldn’t have been, really. Heatwave was a physical mech by nature; physicality would be his first instinct to smother difficult emotion.

Smoothing his palms carefully down Heatwave’s rattling back, Chase ex-vented slowly and deeply, demonstrating a rhythm for him to follow. “You are the strongest mech I know, Heatwave. If anyone could overcome this and come out better for it, it would be you.”

Heatwave gulped, protests trapped in the back of his throat. Right now it was a struggle to keep a proper grip on Chase’s frame; he felt like he was freefalling against him. Chase was the only solid thing in the room. Was any of it real? Primus, let it all be a nightmare so he could wake up in the Academy suite on Cybertron.

When he found it in himself to respond, the words were strangled, hitching behind his teeth. “M’not ready.”

“I…I do not feel ready either. Everything about this new mission is uncertain…and painful. But I have no doubt that you will lead us as wisely as you can, given the circumstances. I have faith in you. Optimus Prime does as well.”

In other words, the standards he had to live up to were astronomical. The last great Prime, relying on the last Rescue Bot leader to keep peace on a strange island on a strange world. With his face hidden by Chase’s shoulder, Heatwave felt a telltale sting well up in his optics.

“What if—?” _What if I fail? What if I let you down? What if they come for us? What if I can’t protect any of you? What if I’m not strong enough?_

“Tomorrow’s troubles are unimportant right now. What matters is that we face them together, as a team.”

“They’re _gone_ , Chase. Our people. Our…”

“I know.” Chase’s voice was much softer now. “But you are not alone. We are still with you.”

For the moment, all they had to hold onto were these small mercies.


End file.
